To the winds

“Once you throw your life to the winds, you will discover things you had never known before, things that cannot be learned under any other circumstances.”

Feeling numb and burnt out from the month-long field school I participated in last March, I decided to immerse myself in fiction before classes resumed in June, knowing I would be tackling a new workload and that I would have to clear my INCs in order to be able to graduate at the end of the school year. The fifth book I read was Paul Auster’s “Moon Palace” from which the above quote was taken. My eyes rested on the sentence located in the middle of a long paragraph on page 58 and there they remained fixed for a long time as memories flooded my mind.

I graduated from college last year, with mixed feelings of joy and sadness. Joy at finally getting my diploma and sadness because I knew then that I would have to say goodbye to my alma mater and enter a bigger, unfamiliar world.

Two months before my graduation, I applied for different positions in different companies, but was unfortunately unable to find a company I liked. Being young and idealistic, I was in search of the perfect job: high pay, travel opportunities, service to countrymen, enjoyment in work, growth opportunities. When I couldn’t find it, I escaped.

Right after I submitted the last requirement for what was supposed to be my last semester in the university, I decided to study again. I enrolled in a Math class in summer, feeling somewhat nostalgic for Algebra and Trigonometry, my favorite subjects in high school. It was then that I rediscovered my love for learning, but at the same time I realized that I had always lived a sheltered life, always moving within my comfort zone. It was then that I decided to submit my application for graduate studies in archaeology, where I was certain I would learn and discover a myriad of things, and also to fulfill my childhood dream of being an archaeologist. I knew then that the future would be bleak (and up to now it is for me), but I didn’t care. I told myself I would work something out with whatever I could get from the course. Besides, I needed something to save me from the boring routine of everyday life. I didn’t know what to do with my life and at the same time I wanted to do something different.

Archaeology proved to be the solution to my growing ennui. So far, nothing can match the things I learned in field school. It was the biggest challenge I have had since CWTS-Military Science. I had to plead hard with my parents so they would let me go on a one-month dig somewhere in Southern Luzon. I never thought that it would be the first of the many challenges I had to overcome. In field school, I was thrust into unfamiliar ways. It was difficult at first but time always has a way of working out miracles.

Not long after, it felt just like a retreat, with me gaining profound insights into human nature and more importantly, learning about myself. The occasional visit to the beach and the quotidian mingling with the kids in the barangay taught me a lot of things. It was bliss to have learned so much and to have enjoyed so much despite the daily hard toil under the sun.

When it was time to go, I felt sad, uncertain once more of the future. I don’t know if I will ever see my little buddies again—those kids who befriended me and who opened my heart to possibilities. I don’t know if I will be able to finish the course, with all the requirements I have yet to submit. I don’t know if I will be able to survive in this jungle of a civilization, with people vying so hard for power and prestige that they do not care if they hurt others in the process. I don’t know if I will be able to carve  a niche for myself in my chosen field. And yes, I do admit that I do not know anything at all after all.

There still are a lot of things I do not know. I guess that’s what life really is about—discovering things on your own and learning along the way. You only have to be humble enough to let life teach you about itself.

One of the things I learned the hard way was that no matter how hard I try to run away, reality always comes charging after me with its big teeth ready to take a satisfying bite from a naïve victim. I have slumbered long enough and I have recuperated enough. It’s time to wake up from the dream and face that big bully head-on with a heart full of courage and hope. Once again, I throw my life to the winds with the confidence that this time, I am stronger, wiser, and more prepared for more of life’s teachings and challenges.

Melodina Cruz, 22, is a marketing consultant and a graduate student at the University of the Philippines Diliman.