The burden of weight

I am a shape-shifter. My cheeks grow plump or hollow, my tummy shrinks or swells, my thighs shrivel or balloon to the size of tree trunks. With my fluctuating figure, I attract a flurry of unsolicited opinions from many people — friends, family, helpers and even people who barely know me. This feedback swirls endlessly in my mind, continuously altering my perception of myself, along with my body and of myself.

At the age of 5, my daily agenda  included devouring my favorite bag of Flat Tops. I stuffed my face with this delectable, scrumptious chocolate on my lola’s bed, eagerly tearing off the orange and silver wrapper with my chubby hands. But one day, as I was heartily consuming the heavenly treat, lola said, “Ina, tama na! Para ka nang buntis!” I looked down at my stomach and realized she was right. For the first time in my life, I was ashamed of my own body.

As I grew older, the comments steadily increased. At family reunions, titas often exclaimed, “Ay! Tumaba ka!” with a smile. Had I grown bigger without intending to? Did my stomach bulge from my dress? Were my arms too swollen and plump? I could no longer enjoy the parties as these thoughts pestered me for the rest of the night.

Years passed and I began to notice that the world around me was set in a certain way. Sitting in Edsa traffic, I would gaze at the massive billboards filled with lean women and sculpted men posing with confidence. Scrolling through Facebook and Instagram, I would see muscular men and skinny women influencing thousands of followers. While watching ABS-CBN with my lolas, commercial breaks would only show thin women and their equally attractive male counterparts advertising their products with a smile. Most movies and TV shows would usually have a beautiful, slender woman as the leading lady, with the rest playing supporting roles. There were also plump models in Belo ads who would be depicted as miserable until they had slim, “sexy” figures. It was only when they had achieved those looks that they would be projected as happy.

I began to believe that being thin was beautiful.

I decided to stop eating chocolate after lola called me a pregnant woman. I followed this to the letter, to the point where I became very underweight. My own pediatrician advised me to consume food every hour of the day, with added daily vitamins to boost my appetite. I looked at myself as though I was lacking — a weakling composed of merely skin and bones.

Meanwhile, I have a friend who is constantly pestered to gain weight. While she has a naturally thin frame, she has a surprisingly voracious appetite that can match a grown man’s. Yet, despite her eating habits and intake of weight gain supplements, nothing has worked. To this day, she is stressed and unsatisfied with her own body, as she is often barraged with harsh criticism about it.

My doctor’s regimen allowed me to steadily gain weight. “Taba-taba mo na!” and “Kailangan ka na mag-diet!” became the ringtone of my life once more, as this advice was dished out persistently by friends and relatives. I was young, so I was expected to be skinny and attractive and not be endowed with pudgy arms laced with stretch marks. Ashamed again, I decided to eat less and avoid junk food. At night, I would run tirelessly on the streets and do numerous workouts at home. In the morning, I would nervously step on the weighing scale, as the number between my feet measured my self-worth.

After months of this, I finally reached my desired normal weight. While my titas no longer criticized my body, my own cousins took over. They teased me for working out regularly, for not eating more than they did and for simply being thin. They weren’t the only ones who denounced my body; my own thoughts did as well. Despite reaching my goal, I was still not satisfied with myself.

In my mind, my body would never be good enough.

After my body underwent different transformations, I went into a deep depression. I felt hopeless knowing that whatever I did and whatever my body transformed into, it was insufficient for my peers, and for myself.

It was only after several years of therapy, meditation and reflection that I began to perceive weight in a different way. I began to see that the standard society upholds as beautiful is not entirely correct, as it only accepts slim women and excludes those of other forms and sizes. Yet, there is hope, as the world is slowly opening up to men and women of various shapes. An example would be Ashley Graham, a famous plus-size model who has appeared on the cover of several prominent magazines and is a notable advocate of body positivity.

Yet, there are times when I tend to falter and still be affected by this bias. I look at individuals on the street and think, “He would be more attractive if he gained some weight,” or “She would look better thinner.” After a few moments, I would realize that I, too, am still perpetuating the problem of body-shaming.

To remedy this, I decided to use these everyday influences to change my own mindset. I began following pages on Facebook dedicated to posting body-positive and self-worth messages. On my timeline, I see photos of men and women of all shapes and forms, posing with grace and confidence. I see illustrations of stretch marks and cellulite captioned with a quote: “Presenting the beauty of the human body.” Every day, I see people from all over the world proud of their bodies and radiating with self-love.

Today, I look in the mirror and see a woman with round cheeks, a slightly protruding stomach and substantial thighs. I know that, over time, my body may change again; such is the nature of a shape-shifter. Yet, unlike my body, my self-worth now holds fast and does not waver.

I am beautiful.

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Katrina Rivera, 20, studies at Ateneo de Manila University.