Study hard, ‘stan’ harder

Surreal! Superb! Iconic!

I really don’t know how to describe the emotion I felt the moment I achieved my ultimate fangirl goal. That feeling of excitement and happiness when the people I was “stanning” (that’s “stalking” and “fan” combined) performed right in front of my eyes will always be memorable.

I will never forget the time they appeared on stage and sang their opening song; it was incomparable. My tears kept on flowing and my heart beat so fast that it felt like it was going to explode anytime soon. Seeing the people inside the concert arena singing along and waving their light sticks added to the one-of-a-kind experience. I was living my dream.

Fangirling is a bittersweet adventure. It is not just about attending concerts, fan meetings and such. Our idols’ achievements are our achievements as well. Every success they accomplish feels ours, too. Seeing them happy makes us smile. Their updates on social media always make our day, even if it was just about their meal or their pet dog. We go wild every time we hear their songs in public places. We even try to follow their dance steps. We can’t help but keep ourselves updated about them all the time, and we even make a stan account just to “spazz” over them (rave, drool or go giddy over them), because the people in our real life might be annoyed with our tweets and our overflowing K-pop feels.

We become picky with men, since our faves have set a high standard. We try to learn their language so we can connect with them. We spend much of our allowance to buy their merchandise—albums, photocards and posters. We are happy whenever we meet people who admire the person/group we adore.

But fangirling is more than all these. The roller-coaster ride also includes hitting the bottom. Reality will hit us quite hard. We know them well but they don’t know we exist. I am one of their 2.3 million followers on Instagram. I am just a girl in the crowd. I am just one of the numerous voices who shout out their names in a concert.

I am a nobody.

I am a nobody who stayed up all night to stream their newly released music video for it to gain views and to win on music shows. I am a nobody who remains by their side during controversies and their downfall. I am a nobody who stands like a seawall against the outrageous wave of hatred from the antis. I am the nobody who stays.

Korean writer Lee Hee-in once said in his book, “A Traveler’s Read”: “A person’s life can become another person’s scenery.” For a fangirl like me, my favorite idol’s existence is a beautiful scenery that I will always treasure.

Fangirling is my way of releasing stress. My fandom life makes me genuinely happy. The effort, time and money I exert as a fan are nothing compared to the joy and contentment I feel whenever I achieve any of my fangirl dreams.

My friends and I have this fangirl mantra: “Study hard but stan harder, because it will make your acads better.” Well, just this year, I graduated magna cum laude with a degree in broadcast communication from the Polytechnic University of the Philippines.

Special thanks to my fandoms for being my happy pill whenever I felt the stress and pressure of my “acads” (academic life). Shoutout to all of my faves—One Direction, Shawn Mendes, iKON, GOT7 and Seventeen. Just like what iKON’s Song Yunhyeong said when the group came to the Philippines: “Mahal ko kayo, pinaka!”

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Carissa Joyce S. Reyno, 20, works with the ABS-CBN Foundation as research and media relations officer.