21 — where am I?

“Twenty-two years old. Registered chemist. Ikaw?”

I came across this viral tweet while scrolling down my feed. Replies in the thread varied from jokes to serious ones, which quickly triggered my existential anxiety.

Civil engineer. Medical technologist. Economist. Consultant.

Netizens in their early 20s were showcasing their titles and job positions, while there I was, unemployed and still unsure of what I wanted to become.

I switched off my phone and asked myself: 21 years old. Who and where am I?

This is not the first time I have questioned my worth as a person and the path I’m taking in life.

In the middle of my journalism studies, I already felt the pressure of becoming someone, as people my age were starting to find themselves and take little steps toward success. Some of them got published while others were being paid for blogging.

Watching TV, I also realized that people my age had started their music careers, got nominated for Oscars and were managing their own businesses.

I was 18 when I began struggling to find where I could be good at. There were moments when I told myself I couldn’t be an expert in anything. Even if I had good grades, I felt I wasn’t a good enough writer. I tried exploring different fields, but I couldn’t be at my best in any of them.

But I am not a total loser. I was a consistent honor student until college, when I got Latin honors. I was a scholar, had good grades and won many school competitions. I can make every parent proud, but this existential anxiety occurs every time someone asks me what career I will be pursuing.

Despite these small achievements and a college degree, I still feel I am nothing. Even if I have made personal milestones, I still feel empty whenever I am surrounded by accomplished people.

I am at a loss, because I don’t know what my future will be. I feel so much pressure from not being definite about my purpose and goals in life.

Finding one’s worth is not easy. Those who face such  existential dilemmas must not be pressured to find their purpose. This process is teaching me that self-discovery does not happen with a snap of the finger; a number of experiences are needed in order to find out where you are really good at. It is important to take every opportunity that passes and to enjoy the process of being shaped by your experiences.

Such thoughts have led me to think that comparing myself to others is what triggers my  existential anxiety the most. If I keep on counting others’ achievements, there is a great chance I would feel even more inadequate, and that there is so much to work on.

Some people I know discovered their passion at an early age, then later pursued a career related to it. Some would discover their field of interest only in their late 20s.

Others who discovered their skills early and had a vision got lost in the middle, after realizing they were not meant for the career they had set out for themselves. Just like me, I guess.

This anxiety can turn to depression, and the best way to deal with it is self-appreciation. I regret not celebrating my little achievements, thinking they were nothing compared to others. But I’m beginning to learn that it is not until you appreciate the steps you have taken that you realize what you are capable of.

Going back to that viral tweet, I wish I didn’t switch off my phone. I shouldn’t have been ashamed that I have no professional license, for this is not the only basis of a person’s worth.

At 21, I am a journalism graduate; I have a secretarial job for six months, and I am still exploring what I can become. There is nothing wrong with that.

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Beatriz Decena is 21.