Coming soon: Mocha the reporter and lecturer

Earlier this week, a number of senators took the voluntary drug test at the Senate. Unconfirmed results showed many of them were under the influence … of Duterte.

Controversial Communications Assistant Secretary Mocha Uson has been tapped by President Duterte’s consultative committee on Charter change to lecture Filipinos about federalism. Members of that committee should undergo a drug test.

Mocha Uson has been cast in a film starring Hollywood actor and Trump supporter Stephen Baldwin. In the movie, Uson will play the role of an honest and competent reporter — making the film the most highly anticipated comedy of the year.

The film’s producer says Uson will be “doing what she does best — reporting.” So it’s not just a comedy. It’s a fiction within a fiction.

Titled “Kaibigan,” the film features Baldwin as a father trying to guide his son toward the right path. The son eventually becomes a city vice mayor who gets involved in drug smuggling. Sorry, that’s a ifferent movie.

Controversial former Tourism Promotions Board chief Cesar Montano will be directing the film. To ensure a hassle-free production, Montano will be supervised by Hollywood producers, industry veterans, and an internal auditor.

Ben Tulfo’s lawyer Ferdinand Topacio says returning the P60 million his client earned from the tourism department’s ad placements is “a matter between Tulfo and his conscience.” In the interest of fairness, we tried to get the side of the conscience but we couldn’t locate it.

There was a rumored assassination plot against President Duterte recently. As Filipinos, we should all be concerned about his safety. After all, he is the president of this country. We want him to be in perfect shape when he stands before the International Criminal Court.

Special Assistant to the President Bong Go insists the President is in “tip-top condition” amid rumors he is sick. Many people thought something was wrong with Mr. Duterte during his third State of the Nation Address, because he didn’t utter any cuss words.

Pampanga Rep. Gloria Macapagal Arroyo has just become the fourth highest official in the land. She is now also the second most powerful woman in the country after Davao City Mayor Sara Duterte.

Sen. Panfilo Lacson has warned that House Speaker Arroyo may be eyeing the post of prime minister. GMA has denied it. Among many other things.

Reports say not a single senator is willing to defend the passage of the second package of the Tax Reform for Acceleration and Inclusion (TRAIN) Law. Many lawmakers are wary about the tax measure’s effects on gas prices, inflation, and their bid for reelection.

The Court of Appeals has affirmed a Securities and Exchange Commission ruling that Rappler is not 100-percent Filipino-owned and controlled. A social news network, Rappler has been critical of Rodrigo Duterte, the Philippine president whom some suspect to be 100-percent Chinese-owned and -controlled.

Senate President Vicente Sotto III revealed that President Duterte once called and threatened a rice trader for alleged hoarding. Sotto said the President even asked the unidentified person on the line where he lived.

Rumors say Mr. Duterte did the same thing to the suspected smuggler of the P6.4-billion shabu shipment. He called and threatened him. He didn’t have to ask where he lived, though.

Ozamiz City Councilor Ricardo Parojinog, brother of slain Ozamiz City Mayor Reynaldo Parojinog Sr., a suspected drug lord, has been repatriated from Taiwan. He is now in police custody in Camp Crame and will probably remain there until his “nanlaban” schedule.

Russian scientists have revived tiny worms frozen for 42,000 years in the Siberian permafrost. The news made former senator Juan Ponce Enrile nostalgic. He used to play with those worms when he was a kid.

Marcelo Landicho is more popularly known online as the award-winning blogger and political satirist The Professional Heckler. New Twitter account: @HecklerForever8