Care less to care more
“The world does not revolve around you” is the single most important lesson my mother taught me. It’s not necessarily the most encouraging sentence in my arsenal, but it was a necessary truth I had to learn early on in my life.
Unlike some people, I did not have the luxury of being treated like a princess when I was growing up, nor was I spoon-fed with praise and exhortations of how the world was my oyster. My life as a child raised by a single mother was pragmatic and simple, not because I chose it, but because it was forced upon me by my circumstances. There was no other way but to suck it up. This lesson kept me grounded.
While my mother’s lesson resonated through me, it also quickly died when self-doubt got the better of me. With an absent father and a mother financially struggling to sustain my education, I was obviously not living a normal child’s life. I was somewhat different and, to an extent, a little bit eccentric to be dealing with the dark side of life prematurely. So naturally, I compared myself to other classmates and friends.
They had the world: complete families, multiple cars, perfect teeth, newest and most up-to-date gadgets, fancy homes — you name it! They had everything I did not. The lesson that built me and kept me grounded also tried to destroy me. And I started to think that maybe the world didn’t revolve around me because it revolved around everyone else.
Caring too much was a symptom of this self-deprecating negative talk. Caring too much what others thought of me, caring too much how other people thought of my clothes, or my hair, or my family or my stuff, or even how I carried myself. It wasn’t healthy.
And as I grew older, I realized that the things I excessively cared for had widened in scope. From the most petty things, I obsessed on caring for a certain lifestyle, plans for midlife, and a career trajectory. My head was filled with so much clutter that one day, an accumulation of bad circumstances and misfortune just opened my Pandora’s box of insecurities. I broke down, wondering why these unnecessary thoughts plagued my internal peace. I questioned the amount of effort and time consumed just by keeping these thoughts in my head—and to what end?
I had to be reminded by the lesson my mother taught me years ago, and I tried interpreting it using a different point of view.
The world doesn’t revolve around anyone because it exists on its own. It has life on its own; that is why it moves for itself alone. I think the same applies for us humans that inhabit it. Each of us has our own life to take care of. We move, learn, travel, act, speak and even earn, not to please other people but simply because we are alive and we have life. Maybe this is what it simply means to live: to just be, naked of ego, self-perception and the addiction to assume an identity that strangers have built in their heads.
More than anything else, it is a reminder of how much life is much more than all the superficial things our society has taught us to care for in excess: material success, shaping of one’s personal image, financial security. While all these are important, there are more things that are far more valuable, and these are family, friends, religion, creative freedom, and passion for life. And the thing with these is that caring for them comes naturally and effortlessly. They do not contribute to the clutter but actually filter out the unnecessary.
We care excessively about how society sees us because we were raised to believe that the world revolves around us, that all eyes are on us, and that the spotlight is ours for the taking. It’s ironic because while we think the world revolves around us, this self-absorbed mindset is actually enslaving us, caging us and trapping us in the middle.
Here’s the rub: When all is said and done, and when we reach the end of our lives, the world will still keep turning. It won’t stop just because we have. The time and effort spent brooding over what an officemate thinks of your new designer bag, or how a neighbor fancies your new car, or how a long-lost friend stalks your Facebook statuses will all be futile. This is time and effort that could have been spent just doing, moving, striving and actually caring for what truly matters in life.
Our problem is that we care too much, about everything and everyone. Nothing’s wrong with caring per se; in fact, the world is begging more of it. The problem comes from caring for the wrong things and caring so much for situations and even people who do not deserve the special attention. By caring too much, we consequently deprioritize important matters that thirst for our valuable time and effort. Our care resources are limited. And anything limited can be depleted, and therefore it must be maximized to matters that are truly important.
When we know what to prioritize and what to spend our precious time, energy and thoughts on, we won’t need to care about the clutter, the added emotional and mental waste with which we fill our lives. We care less, but we also care more for what actually gives meaning to our lives. No matter if your neighbor thinks you’re weird, if your officemate hates the soul out of you, or if your Instagram post doesn’t generate more than a thousand “likes,” it won’t matter because these are all clutter. This is the point when we actually start leading our life and we stop being slaves of it.
While the world doesn’t revolve around you, let yourself be its master.
* * *
Gill Altuna, 25, considers herself “a minimalist maximizing life to the fullest.”
