Sure of the unsure

In this world where most people think they are so certain about what they are up to, there has got to be a few — or probably even a lot — who are still not sure about anything at all. I mean, come on, let’s be honest here and admit to it because there is a 50-50 chance that you are definitely a part of the “finding myself” club. I know I am.

When I was a child, I insisted on painting my room green because I strongly believed that it was my favorite color. But then my teen years came in which I somehow became girly and just decided that I loved violet instead. Now I’m older and thinking how absurd I was back then to actually want to transform my walls into an eggplant. It wasn’t really a bad thing even if I wanted it to turn out like Barney, but as you can see, I have been lost for ages without me actually knowing.

One point of uncertainty was reached during my precollege period, when I was given the chance to choose what I wanted to pursue. When I was growing up, people always told me that I was good at drawing, so when this thing called “fine arts” managed to enter my vocabulary, I embraced my youthful gullible self that said it would be fine arts for me when I grew up. Clearly, I did not know that there are four programs under the great College of Fine Arts and Design in my chosen university. If I am to follow my childhood dream, I’d choose the painting program, but being practical was far more important for my not-so-luxurious life, so interior design was my endgame. Good job, I said, and gave myself a pat on the back. I felt wise then—but not for long.

Within those college years, I began questioning myself: Did I belong there? Should I transfer colleges and take other fitting courses instead? But I told myself I should stay put as long as I passed the subjects: “Hangga’t napasa, tuloy lang dapat.”

Four years later, from a supposedly graduating senior I became one of the many irregular students that will not graduate on time. Guess what: I failed.

Behind my forced smiles and laughter I’m actually broken and slowly dying inside. Still I have to at least be happy for my friends, right? But trust me: In those moments I just wanted to be a cactus for a while. Yet if you think about it, my failing only changed something; it didn’t really touch my ending.

So to those who are looking for your still lost self, maybe it is not so bad to be sure of the unsure when it comes to it. It may sound like a cliché but I learned to go with life’s flow and still am learning.

What’s for you is for you, what’s not is not. If something did not go your way, there are a lot more other ways around you. You might even get lost in some. But it’s okay to be lost at times. Remember, in the end you’ll be just fine.

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Zuzaine Marie Gregorio, 20, studies at the University of Santo Tomas.