The consistency of Netizen Juan

It’s time to defend Netizen Juan from those who say he is inconsistent in his views. Despite his oil-and-water beliefs, Juan can go through the day with his head high (his ability to interchange truth and falsity is nothing less than a miracle; Vatican, please take note). It is his contradictions that make Juan consistent—for he is immune to the discomfort of dissonance known to independent thinkers who can change their minds.

Juan’s opinion is part bile, part boredom; after being emotionally triggered by fake news he seeks his quick fix of photos of women’s breasts (or bottoms – remember, he likes to interchange concepts to save mental energy). Aside from rounded adipose tissues, Juan also cares for the tissue between his ears. He injects it with daily vitamins of point of view; he likes them varied, like the colors of Gadhafi’s Libyan flag.

The bipolarity of Juan’s morality is also incredible. Jekyll and Hyde could bump into each other inside his head and then dust off, move on. Juan frowns upon destructive passions on the road or in a domestic place; the next day he brands disrespectful words and brash behavior as honesty (as long as he is not the target).

On one extreme, there is Juan the compassionate. He is known to be angered by trending videos of animal maltreatment. On the other pole, there is Juan the cold one. He cannot understand the meaning of 12,000 countrymen who died in a phantom drug war. He sheds tears for televised dramas with poor and suffering protagonists. The next day, he goes to the town circle to choose between Jesus and Barabbas, never questioning the legitimacy of Pilate’s narrow choices. Speaking of Jesus, when the Lord challenges everyone to cast the first stone, Juan interprets it as a literal eye-for-an-eye method of justice. Stone to death. That’s how well-developed and modern his moral sense is; it transcends Jesus’.

Indeed, the enviable neatness of Juan’s reasoning can be likened to a computer-programmed chess opponent — how calculated and efficient he is, especially when it comes to thinking! Can it be that his love for sports extends to his belief that a person equipped with democratic rights and mouth should choose between two teams? Can it be that his love for his celebrities extends to his belief that no one can comment on his idol’s new clothes?

And the generalizations! Scientists should abandon their research laboratories; scholars, kindly close your books. Juan can formulate universal laws in a matter of minutes, using only one source: the doctored reality of lies, the paradise of the few.

Juan is consistent. A consistent pawn in a giant chess game where he moves in predefined directions. Juan is consistent. A consistent bearer of contradiction. Juan is consistent. A consistent victim of himself. A consistent victim of the powerful.

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Greth Barredo, 27, is a bookseller in Marilao, Bulacan.