?KAILAN KA ba mag-aasawa?? my manicurista asked me while putting on my favorite red nail polish.

I rolled my eyes and joked, ?Bukas. Gabi na, eh.?

Back in high school, my friends were one in predicting that I would be the first in the barkada to either get married or have a baby. And I believed it. It was like I had an invisible Gantt chart that plotted life events wherein I would be married by the time I was 22 (I graduated when I was 24) and have a ?honeymoon baby? a year later.

The plans?my plans?remained just that. The ring on my finger was bought in Divisoria. The marks on my tummy are in no way connected to giving birth: one is for an appendectomy in April of last year, and the CS-like cut was for the removal of my ovarian cysts together with one of my ovaries in September of the same year. Both operations required me to undergo transvaginal ultrasounds (TVS) and to be wheeled into the pre-labor room. As patients in the room awaited the coming of their bundle of joy, I waited for a piece of paper indicating clearance from my OB-GYN so I could proceed to the operating room.

I cry during weddings regardless of my relationship with the bride or groom. I shed tears of joy when couples take the plunge. Seeing a family member or friend walk down the aisle boosts the hope of this single lady that she will soon have her turn?and the aisle she will be walking on will no longer be the one at the supermarket where everyone is happy to serve.

I am no man hater. In fact, I love men. My type varies and it is only when I fall in love that I confront the fact that my soon-to-be boyfriend prerequisites? must drive a car, must be physically attractive, must not own a Velcro wallet?are not really requisites.

I have had my share of teleserye-like relationships, with the last ending just recently after years of emulating Tom & Jerry. He was my greatest love of all, baduy as it may sound, and as I write this, my heart still beats for him. But he gave up on me, so there goes another case of not meant to be.

But is there really that one person meant for each and every single one of us? Is being single a choice? Or is it plainly a denial of the fact that no one chose her? Is marriage an option these days? Or is it really necessary to be emotionally, spiritually and financially ready before walking down the aisle?

Next to rodents and inadequately ventilated rooms, it?s the idea of marriage that I truly fear. Long before Jennifer Aniston lost Brad Pitt to Angelina Jolie, I already despised those who strayed away from their marital vows.

My parents have been married for over 30 years. Mom was Dad?s first girlfriend. I have always said that should I get married, I wanted mine to have the longevity of their marriage. My grandparents have been married since Lola had her debut. Both are octogenarians now. They hold hands when they walk together and still sleep beside each other, minus the sexy time of course.

?Asa ka pang may tatagal talaga na relasyon. Iba na kasi ang panahon ngayon,? friends argue every time I turn into a hopeless romantic giving fate and destiny my own definitions. Reality check: They do have a point. Temptations nowadays no longer come in the form of a red, mouth-watering apple. They are disguised in a cleavage-revealing dress or a six-pack underneath that plain Topman shirt. Even marriages with the most solid foundations (or so we thought) succumb to the appeal of having one ?on the side.?

Over dinner a couple of years ago, an ex-boyfriend confided to having an extra-marital affair. He was in a relationship with a married woman who happened to be his ex-girlfriend. He was confused and claimed he had fallen out of love with his wife. While I was silently thanking the heavens that I did not end up with him, I looked him straight in the eye and said, ?Titikim ka na nga lang ng iba, parehas na putahe pa. Kumain ka na nga ng kare-kare sa bahay niyo, lumipat ka lang sa kapitbahay pero parehas pa rin na ulam ang kinain mo. Di ka nauumay? Try mo naman ?yung bulalo.?

?Wow! Saan mo natutunan ?yan?? he asked in disbelief.

?Sa iyo?nung mga bata pa tayo,? I told him as I lit a cigarette.

Just recently, a guy friend revealed that he was seeing another girl. He was living in with the mother of his kid who is barely a year old. Despite professing unconditional love for his girlfriend, he cited his sexual needs that get him all excited. As he gave me a blow-by-blow account of his trysts, the fear in me built up. I could not preach to him about commitment when it was his ego talking.

The more I hear about cheating partners and wives becoming victims of domestic violence, the lesser the chances that I would change my mind about marriage. True, I may not be in a relationship as of the moment, so there is no way I?m going to get hitched soon. But just the thought of jumping into another relationship already scares the hell out of me.

I believe in second chances; in most cases, I believe even in a third or a fourth. However, I am not ready to condone cheating and other relationship boo-boos. That?s when the tandem of ?forgive? and ?forget? ceases to exist in my vocabulary. Reality bites. And I must bite back.

I admire the ?moving forward and never looking back? capabilities of those who lost their man to one with a ?vajayjay? or, in the more unfortunate cases, to those who wish they had one. We have the ?masculadolls? (mga masculadong lalake na may pusong babae), and to them I partly attribute the imbalance in the law of supply and demand, resulting in a scarcity of men?real men.

Back then the experienced ones would admonish me: ?Bata ka pa. Huwag ka munang mag-boyfriend. Marami ka pang makikilalang lalaki kapag tumanda ka.? Fast forward to this age, and I am told: ?O, tumatanda ka na. Bilis-bilisan mong mag-asawa dahil nagkakaubusan na ng lalaki. Dahil ang mga lalaki ngayon, lalaki na rin ang gusto.? Correct.

I have seen even the longest relationships, those most unlikely to break up, come to an end. Some find solace in saying that being single saves them from heartaches. But when single-blessedness reaches its saturation point, the heart aches for someone who will bring back that special kind of kilig that sometimes takes the simple form of a forwarded love quote (don?t forget the smiley at the end).

I love being in love. And I do not become less of a person for admitting that I fear having my heart broken again. Despite my fear of marriage, I still wish to one day walk down the aisle and exchange vows with my groom of an endangered breed?in God?s own time.

?Kailan ka ba mag-aasawa?? my manicurista will ask then while she coats my nails with the virginal French tip. As she drops Quick Dry on my vavavoom nails, I will hand out my pop-out wedding invitation and answer, ?Bukas ng gabi.?

(Kym Bringas Macatubal, 28, is a graduate of De La Salle University major in communication arts-advertising management. She recently resigned from her work as a business development manager of a marketing company specializing in below-the-line activities [events, promotions, sampling activities] after four years.)