I seriously propose that the state of the Nation Address be delivered not in July, as tradition dictates, but on April 1, as sanity dictates. April 1 is April Fool?s Day, when the claims of Filipino presidents, including those who were not elected so, about what they?ve done for the country are best said. Who knows? Maybe the day devoted to foolishness may persuade people to be wise.

Who knows too? Maybe the day devoted to deception might have persuaded President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo Monday to tell the truth. And deliver this speech:

GOOD AFTERNOON, sycophants and booty-lickers. I do not see any ladies here and the only gentleman I know is at home packing his bags in hopes he might still be invited to where I am going. I will not bore you, even if that gives me great pleasure, with a long speech full of statistics which you would be fools to believe anyway. I?ll go straight to the point.

Juan Ponce Enrile is right: I am the best president this country has ever had. Of course, he said that too about Marcos and Erap, but he is right this time. No Filipino president has done more than me. No Filipino president will do more than me.

For once and for all, I have disabused this country of its illusions. Chief of them is that we are a democracy. There has been no more persistent, and pernicious, illusion than that. The Filipinos who extol its virtues are hypocrites. They do not believe in it any more than I do. They do not care for it any more than I do.

Ferdinand Marcos has accomplished much in disabusing us of the illusion too, but he has fallen short of heroic. At the very least, he was elected twice before he decided that eight years was not enough. I have not been so once and have already done nine years. Marcos cheated massively too, but he did not make stealing the vote truly decide the outcome of elections. I have. By winning elections fairly believably before martial law, Marcos gave the poor and ignorant to imagine they may actually have a say on who should rule them. I have corrected that. The only one who should rule them is the one who knows best. God knows best, and God put me here.

The institutions of democracy have never worked, and will never work. Long before I came, they were already in the process of dissolution. The ease with which I bought their representatives is proof of it. I have merely hastened that process. I have merely brought things to their logical end.

I did not invent buying congressmen, I merely improved on it. The congressmen were corrupt long before I came in. You can take the word of their previous speaker, Ramon Mitra for it: They will sign anything, including toilet paper. Mitra was kind to draw the line at toilet paper. And you can take the example of their subsequent speaker, Jose de Venecia, for it: He will say anything, including all the good things he said about me when they tried to impeach me. And all the bad things he said about me when they impeached him?or booted him out as speaker. But don?t take my word for it, just read my favorite columnist in the Inquirer.

I did not invent buying bishops, I merely paid them more. I am not the only one who likes to break vows. The bishops were breaking theirs long before me, specifically their vows of humility and poverty. The last thing they are is humble, and the last thing they want to be is poor. In fact, they were in the business long before me, threatening dying landowners with hellfire if they did not part with their lands. I merely threaten the Cojuangcos with land reform. Give unto Caesar?s what is Caesar?s and to God what is God?s, and they imagine themselves to be both. Why should I think differently?

I did not invent buying the courts; the judges were for sale long before me, some of them toting price tags on their backs. Of course during my time, the law went on to punish the innocent and reward the guilty. Why should it be otherwise? Why should we delude the poor and weak that they can have justice on earth? That?s what heaven is for. Earth is where the strong survive and the weak perish. Indeed, why should we allow ?probinsyanong Intsiks? to remain free, let alone to be heard? They?ve already committed two crimes by existing, being Intsik and being probinsyano.

I did not invent corruption, I merely perfected it. Anyway corruption is corruption only when you?re caught. It was there long before me. It was there during Marcos? time, it was there during Cory?s time, it was there during Ramos? time, it was there during Erap?s time. And Ramos thinks himself an elder statesman! He is merely old and overstated. Erap was caught; therefore, only Erap is corrupt.

I did not invent lying in office, Marcos did it before me. But he was much too coy, he liked to cover his tracks. I do it openly. At least I am honest about being dishonest.

I did invent stealing the vote. But that too is theft only if you are caught. Or since I was, if they can do something about it. I did invent stealing souls, turning people from mavericks to jokers, from human beings to pichay. I did invent stealing lives, Jonas Burgos? among them, but who cares, Burgos was just the son of someone who helped restore democracy to this country, and democracy has been a bane to us.

And of course I did invent a new reason for quarantine.

I can always say, ?I?am?sorry? for these, but you will not believe it anyway. And I am not sorry for them, I am proud of them. If I am sorry at all, it is that I cannot live forever, though I am hard at work trying to remedy that by finalizing a deal with You-Know-Who. I do not mean Obama, though he looks roasted.

Meanwhile I?ll just content myself with being sorry enough to punish myself?as I did the last time I said, ?I?am?sorry???by sticking around. See you next SONA.