THAT?S what I thought was the headline that I read in another daily newspaper. Turned out it I had read wrong (when you?re middle-aged your eyesight gets really bad but it?s worse first thing in the morning when your body is low on water and the dry eyes have even more difficulty focusing). The headline was actually ?Men who matter,? which was the theme of People magazine featuring men in power.

But then, I thought to myself, why couldn?t there be an article about ?men who mother? and aren?t they also ?men who matter??

I know a mothering male sounds strange, almost perverse. Many years back when my sister would visit from Canada with her husband and two growing children, my parents? friends would raise their eyebrows at social gatherings because my brother-in-law, who is Caucasian, was carrying the children around, feeding, playing, talking with them. For many Filipinos, the men especially, this just wasn?t ?correct? behavior. The older ones would even quip, ?Oh these Western men, they?re all henpecked.?

Now that I?ve started parenting, quite late in life, I?ve been taking my brother-in-law as a role model. It?s not easy, and I?m finding the opposition often comes more from women than from men, mainly because the women don?t trust men to ?mother.? To some extent, their fears are well-founded: men have a lot more to learn about mothering, but if we?re so helpless it is because mothers, themselves conditioned by their mothers, have generally blocked boys from learning those roles, simply because it?s presumed only women should mother.

When I told an American work colleague I was thinking of a ?men who mother? column, she was delighted. But she reminded me that the original meaning of ?mother? was ?breast-feeder? and that, for now at least, men can?t do that. Almost as if to console me, she added, ?But I?m sure there?s more to mothering than breast-feeding.?

Fathering

And indeed there is, and they are all free of any biological obstacles. There?s actually a great deal of cultural variation around these roles, showing that it?s society mainly that defines what?s ?fathering? and what?s ?mothering.? In the most extreme cases, ?fathering? is almost limited to the biological, as in a sperm donor. Paradoxically, this happened mainly in matrilineal societies like the Muso of China, where men were seen mainly as breeders. The offspring were raised by households with no adult men.

In societies with strong male dominance, ?fathering? is similar, men aiming to father as many children as possible but without having to assume responsibilities either by disappearing or, if they stay, taking minimal responsibilities.

In the Philippines, men talk about being breadwinners although in practice, women are taking up more and more of this burden. Men are also associated with discipline although again in practice, Filipino men can be quite nurturing, at least in terms of ?entertaining? children.

I drew up a list of ?mothering? duties here that men tend to avoid and there?s a clear pattern: they tend to be activities that are often called ?menial,? not the most exciting, yet requiring so much time and patience.

The roles are often embedded in a rather complicated cultural matrix, complete with contradictions. For example, we?re always warning our women not to carry anything heavy because their uterus will fall (mahuhulog ang matris). That?s actually a medical myth, but many people will swear it?s true. Yet, notice how our women will avoid carrying a box weighing maybe 5 kilos, but will not think twice about carrying her child, who may be 15 kilos, sometimes even more.

The man is expected to carry the child for short periods that require ?male power,? for example, as they get down from the jeep and cross a busy street. But our women carry children constantly, often while performing other chores. In rural areas especially, you find the women performing agricultural chores, washing clothes, or cooking, while carrying a child. The man might occasionally come in and ask, ?Are you tired?? then take up the child for a few minutes, sometimes to play with.

It?s presumed men are just too busy to take care of children and that care then gets defined as ?mothering.? Some of the tasks considered too low for men, and relegated to women: preparing food, enrolling the child in school, waiting for the child to come out of class, bringing the child to the health center or clinic, reading to the child (well, in the Philippines, even mothers rarely do this).

These roles are changing, mainly because more women are now in the labor force, many deployed away from home or overseas. But even here, the norms change slowly. A woman who leaves to work abroad will often entrust her children to a woman relative.

More male

I?m hopeful though that men will learn to mother, not because they?re forced into it, but because they realize how much they miss by not mothering. From personal experience, I can say ?mothering? makes you more patient. You learn to be less impulsive and more introspective. The paradox here is that there are quite a few ?desirable? male traits that actually get strengthened by mothering: you learn to be more firm, more resourceful, more capable of multitasking.

I?ve learned to take two books with me when I have to do something child-related and that will take some time, for example, waiting at the doctor?s clinic. I take one for me to read and one to read to the child. I have no illusions though, for quite often the kids may not be in the mood to read and want to walk around, or to be carried. I used to resent that, but now find them opportunities for quiet moments and appreciating life with the children.

A recent international conference in Brazil, ?Engaging Men and Boys for Gender Equality,? resulted in a strong declaration that tackles, among other issues, this issue of parenting. Here?s an excerpt: ?Responsible, committed and involved fatherhood is an essential component of any attempt to transform families and societies into new norms that better reflect gender equity. . . It is in the home that gender inequality is at its most powerful and sometimes most hidden. Positive fatherhood therefore plays an important part in challenging the intergenerational transmission of damaging stereotypes and power relations.?

A striking message from that conference is that men lose out too when they are not allowed to explore the full dimensions of parenting: ?There are deep costs to boys and men from the ways our societies have defined men?s power and raised boys to be men. Boys deny their humanity in search of an armor-plated masculinity. . . Too many men carry the deep scars of trying to live up to the impossible demands of manhood and find terrible solace in risk-taking, violence, self-destruction.?

That?s food for thought for this Father?s Day, for fathers and sons ? as well as for mothers, daughters and sisters.

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Email: mtan@inquirer.com.ph