Ever since I was a kid, I have been asking why some birds are caged while others enjoy the freedom to fly anywhere they want. I am 17 now, and no one has given me an answer.

I have always been independent and I have been living by the idea that I can live my life the way I want to. I am a wonder boy, they say — mature, gifted and smart. I have always wanted a life in which only I and my instincts decide which way to go, which path to take. My family trusts me, and doesn’t worry too much. I grew up loving the freedom my parents gave me.

When the time came for me to enter college, I picked my school, my course, and the place where I would stay. At first, everything went smoothly. It was if the universe was cooperating well with me. I was happy and contented with the results of the decisions I made for myself.

But then life took a different turn. I felt like a lost sheep. I had thought leaving my home city and going to Manila for college would make my life better than how it was in high school. I was confident that because my parents taught me to be independent, I could live by myself and on my own terms, without listening to what others had to say. I thought everything had been prepared for me and that I had enough support to go on with my plans: a full scholarship grant, a sure slot in a premier university and the assurance of some people to help me morally and financially. Unfortunately, things did not turn out that way.

I can still remember how my mom tried to convince me to just stay and enroll in a university in Davao City, saying she didn’t want me to leave and that I could study well with my family near me. I recall how my sister tried to paint a better picture of college life set in our place and how my friends expressed disagreement with my decision. To all their pleas and advice, I turned a deaf ear. All I listened to was myself, my own choices, plans and decisions. And I have started to regret it.

I may have a full scholarship grant, but I don’t have a family to whom I can turn to when I have problems or trouble with my studies, like Math. I may be studying in my dream school, but I don’t have the kind of friends I used to have (although I have found two girls who keep me company and I can always turn to in times of trouble). There may be people who lend me a hand, but some of them help with strings attached.

My life has become miserable. I am not excelling in school like I did in high school. I feel lonely and empty. I miss my family and my friends. It seems as if my life has lost direction and that tomorrow remains uncertain.

It haunts me every night when I go to bed. I feel guilty and frustrated thinking about what could have been. I hate blaming myself for what I have brought upon my own self and the people who love me. I don’t want to admit that my decisions were wrong or unwise, but as of the moment, what else should I call them?

My mom’s cancer has recurred. She has just started chemotherapy. Being the son closest to her, I should be with her at this very trying time in her life, in our lives. As she struggles with her disease, I cannot help but wonder if this would have happened if I had listened to her and stayed as she wanted me to. I have tried not to let this problem affect my performance in school, but I cannot help but worry. I don’t want to lose my mom. I have three younger siblings who need her. I want to spend my first salary buying her things she likes or bringing her to places she has never been to. I have a lot of plans for her and our family.

When I was in high school, people were amazed at my maturity, my talents. They asked what my secret was. Some of my fellow students even idolized me for my leadership. Everyone expected me to achieve whatever I wanted to do in life. But right now, I am beginning to think I have already failed all of them because I made the wrong choice.

I keep musing: If I had been born rich, maybe I wouldn’t be experiencing all of these. If my family was well off, maybe I wouldn’t need to worry about my future and perhaps my mom would have already been cured of her cancer. Or maybe if only I listened to what those people had to say before, especially my mom, I wouldn’t be writing this kind of article right now.

However, I realize that if I keep questioning why my life turned out this way without admitting responsibility for the consequences of my choices, it still wouldn’t make a difference.

In a few months’ time, I will be of legal age. What I need to do is stand up and become stronger, to stop blaming myself for the things that have happened in my life, work my way out of this mess, and face the challenges. Everyone commits mistakes, but everyone can also correct those mistakes. I know that every mistake I have made, I can always rectify. It’s just a matter of choice. I can sulk and forever blame myself or I can accept the things I’ve done wrong and then move on and fix my life. I may have regrets now but if I work my way through this, who knows, the choice I thought was wrong could turn out to be actually a good one. I don’t know yet.

It’s March and I hate it, because it reminds me of how everything began, how it all started with a decision I made when I graduated from high school full of dreams and ideals.

I hope every graduating high school student will take time to understand the world they will soon enter. I hope that they realize that at this crucial point in their lives, seeking guidance and advice from their parents is very important.

I hope that what has happened to me will not change what I represent in the eyes of my family, my parents, my friends and the people who believe in me. I have not changed. I am still the wonder boy they used to know, who dreams big and who can make things happen. I know that what I am experiencing could disappoint them, but every boy has to go through this process just like diamonds are made to shine. I have learned a lot and this experience will help me become a man.

Perhaps if someone had given me the answer to the question I kept asking from the time I was a kid, I would have been much wiser. No one did, but still I am thankful because God made me experience it by myself. Now I can give the answer to my own question: There is no such thing as absolute freedom. Even the birds that are free to fly in the sky cannot go beyond certain limits. And when they touch those limits, they begin to feel like those who live in a cage.

Benralph Sanchez Yu, 17, is an incoming second-year student at the University of the Philippines, Manila, taking up Development Studies.