One, Malacañang says there’s a grievous threat on Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo’s life. That threat comes from, among others, the New People’s Army who would have tried to assassinate her had she gone to the alumni homecoming of the Philippine Military Academy last weekend.

What can one say? That is openly recruiting for the New People’s Army (NPA). Malacañang keeps advertising the NPA in this way, it could become the most popular group in the country today. Indeed Malacañang keeps advertising the NPA in this way, it could do for it what it has not been able to do for some time, which is to send Filipinos rushing to line up to join its ranks.

I myself can recommend one surefire way by which Malacañang may assure Arroyo’s total safety. That is for it to assign national police chief Avelino Razon to oversee the effort, who in turn will assign Paul Mascariñas to design the response to the threat, who in turn will assign Roger, or Rodolfo, or Rolando (whatever first name he now uses) Valeroso to pluck Arroyo out of Malacañang and drive her ‘round and ‘round, to Cavite province and back, to hell and back, and deliver her to a restaurant in the Eastwood area in Quezon City to meet with someone she does not know, so that she may put her mind at ease in the knowledge she is absolutely safe.

Razon it was who pointed out the efficacy of this latest doctrine of securing people with death threats hanging on their heads by saying about Rodolfo Noel Lozada Jr., “He’s alive, isn’t he?” He should be able to say after making Arroyo go through this exercise, “She’s alive, isn’t she?”

Two, Arroyo and her allies warn, “Do not derail the economy.” That warning is being issued against those who are supposed to be hurting economic growth by exposing the ZTE national broadband network (NBN) scam and protesting government’s (moral) bankruptcy in the streets.

Assuming that the “economy” means the welfare of the many and not just a few, here’s something to ponder. At the time Benjamin Abalos was trying to get Romulo Neri to approve the NBN deal, the kickback he was demanding amounted (at the exchange rate then, which was P50:$1) to P6.5 billion. As is usual with mind-boggling amounts like those, it boggles the mind. It refuses to allow our minds to wrap themselves around it. Well, some friends have done us the favor of helping us see what exactly P6.5 billion means.

The amount is equivalent to more than half of government’s entire budget for the Department of Health and more than five times the entire yearly budget of the Philippine General Hospital. It would have paid for 49,000 open heart surgeries, 325,000 cataract surgeries, and a full course of antibiotics for 6.5 million people. That is the size of greed which Neri instructed Lozada to moderate.

That is just one kickback from one deal going to one Malacañang lackey. Imagine the scale of pillage the collective cabal in the Palace is wreaking upon the country. Derail the economy? You assume that the “economy” means the wellbeing of the many and not the (in)satiation of the few, you conclude: No, exposing this deviltry does not derail the economy. No, rising to condemn this crime on the floor of the Senate does not derail the economy. No, taking to the streets to protest this obscenity does not derail the economy.

Stealing derails the economy. They derail the economy.

Three, Fidel V. Ramos says he’s still for Arroyo for lack of an alternative. What can one say? All that tobacco smoke has finally gotten to his brain. If he wasn’t irrelevant then, he is so now.

I leave him to face his 85 million countrymen with his proposition that not a single one of them is good enough to kiss the feet of his favorite woman-Palace-resident (it’s no longer Cory Aquino), the one entity that has run this country to the ground. Ferdinand Marcos said that too during his twilight days: You want a housewife and her ragtag circus band to replace me and my band of best and brightest? Well, the housewife and her ragtag circus band did take over and proved immensely better.

With good reason: Marcos’ crew was best at finding ways to afflict an already much afflicted nation, his crew was brightest at finding ways to justify, legally or illegally, afflicting an already much afflicted nation.

What is the alternative to Arroyo? Easy. Not lying is an alternative to Arroyo. Not cheating is an alternative to Arroyo. Not stealing is an alternative to Arroyo. Not murdering is an alternative to Arroyo -- or to slaughtering a bunch of kids in the name of a moribund Cold War cause known as ridding the world of communism. Anyone who does not lie, cheat, steal and murder is an alternative to Arroyo.

A dog is an alternative to Arroyo. At least it is loyal, at least it is cute.

Four, if you get rid of Arroyo, you get Noli de Castro.

Well, even if you did, what of it? I’ve always disputed Senator Joker Arroyo’s contention that there was a constitutional remedy to a corrupt leader but none to a stupid one. Corrupt leaders corrupt everything, including the Constitution, including former human rights lawyers. Stupid ones only corrupt the English language with Eraptions. There is a remedy to stupidity, which, far more than a constitutional one, is a natural one. Or more than a remedy, it is a barrier. Stupid presidents lie less, cheat less, steal less, and murder less, if at all.

In any case, why should Noli naturally succeed Arroyo? It’s true of course that the vice president succeeds the president in the event that the presidency is vacated for some reason or another. That’s not the case here, as I’ve always maintained. The presidency isn’t being vacated, it has never been occupied. Proof of that is what the Supreme Court has just allowed this country to play to its heart’s content: the “Hello, Garci” tape. Raul Gonzalez, of course, warns that he will still have anyone doing so arrested.

You allow yourself to be frightened by that, you deserve him and his boss.