The story is told about a man who informed his wife that he was taking the 9 a.m. flight to Shanghai. Unfortunately, the plane crashed and neither the plane nor the survivors could be found. The end? No. because instead of taking the 9 a.m. flight to Shanghai, the husband took the 9 a.m. flight to Osaka, Japan, with his girlfriend. He is alive! The problem is: How will he explain that to his wife?!
The story is told about a policeman who flagged down a driver for a traffic violation. The policeman said: “You made a U turn. Did you not see the ‘no U turn’ sign?” The driver scratched his head and said: “I saw it, sir. I did not see you!”
The story is told about family members who were preparing for the burial of their loved one and were perturbed when the lector said: “Let us pray for the INTERNAL rest of our brother and for the REFUSE of his soul.” It did not help any when the priest, in his homily, using the analogy of the peanut to explain death, pointed at the coffin and said: “Brothers and sisters, what we see here is just the SHELL. The NUT is gone!”
The story is told about a senior citizen who asked his drinking buddies, one on his left and one on his right: “Did you spill beer on my pants?” When the two said no, he said: “Then it must have been an inside job!”
The story is told about a woman whose boyfriend whom she loved very much just died. Then her rich suitor of many years called her up and said: “Now that your boyfriend is dead, I would like to express my condolences and my intention to take his place.” The woman answered: “Thank you. I will now call the funeral home and tell them of your intention to take his place.”
The story is told by Fr. Rod Salazar, SVD, about a husband who made a toast to his wife on their 50th wedding anniversary: “Cheers to my wife whose love for me has been tried and true!” To which the wife, who was a little hard of hearing, responded: “Yes, I’m tired of you, too!”
The story is told about a teenager who asked his father: “Dad, is it okay to smoke while I am praying?” The father replied: “That is not okay, my son.” Added the son: “But is it okay to pray while I am smoking?” The father answered: “That is okay, my son.”
The story is told about two monks who were having a hearty conversation on Christmas Eve, the only time of the year when they were exempted from their monastic rule of perpetual silence. Just then the bell rang, signaling the end of their talking time. When the two of them met again on Christmas Eve of the next year, the first monk enthusiastically started: “Ah, as I was saying last year…”
The story is told about a rapist who was sentenced to life imprisonment. Upon hearing the verdict, he shouted in a rage: “I raped one person. How come the people of the Republic of the Philippines are now all against me?”
The story is told about a family that was so engrossed with details as their father lay dying in his hospital bed. When the family members asked him whether he wanted to be buried or cremated, the old man told them in exasperation to make the decision themselves: “Bahala na kayo, mga anak. Just surprise me na lang, okay?”
The story is told about a German pastor who was to speak at a gathering, and who requested the emcee to make a simple and basic introduction of him sans titles or achievements, to just say that he is a humble shepherd or something to that effect. So the emcee said: “Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce to you our speaker, a simple German shepherd!”
The story is told about a dying woman who told her children: “When I die, have my remains cremated, and have my ashes scattered in the mall nearby.” When her children asked her why, her response was: “In that way, I know you will always be present and visit me at least once a week.”
