Kids and gender

I was at the Mind Museum with the kids some months back and at one point, looking at an exhibit showing an astronaut on the moon, I asked my youngest: “Would you like to go to the moon some day?”

She quickly replied, “No, hindi puede.  Only boys can do that.”

More recently, we were driving along a back road in Laguna and I pointed out a golf course. Again, I asked my youngest: “Would you like to play golf?”

Her reply was almost exactly like the one she gave at the Mind Museum.

Both times I had to assure her, “Whatever boys can do, girls can do. There’s no ‘hindi puede.’”

I try extra hard to ensure gender equality at home, and this is not out of political correctness. When we raise children and tolerate—or worse, impose—gender stereotypes, we end up limiting their ability to achieve their full potentials.

Despite my efforts, I sometimes feel it’s a losing battle because outside the home, the kids are still bombarded with gender stereotypes about what it means to be a boy, or a girl… or a bading, or tomboy. The images are powerful, coming in through TV shows, advertisements, even textbooks and teachers’ lectures.

The reason is that many people, including women, believe that there’s gender equality in the Philippines, citing the presence of women in politics, in corporations, in the professions.

Others will say: Oh, our women can vote, can move around freely, dress as they want to. And, of course, the favorite argument, used by men, is: “I turn over my pay to my wife. She’s the commander in chief at home.”

Despite the high visibility of women in public spheres, the reality is that they remain a minority in corporate boardrooms, and in politics (only 18 percent of total elective positions, the last time I checked). Among the professions, there is still gender stereotyping in many areas. For example, while women now outnumber men in medicine, specializations like surgery are still male-dominated.

While women have more freedoms in the Philippines than in many other countries, they remain vulnerable to sexual harassment and intimate partner violence, and when they do get harassed or raped, they are the ones blamed, with the argument that ah, our women are too free in how they dress, no wonder men are tempted.

As for the commander in chief thing, the key is “home.”  Yes, women get the paycheck, but sometimes after their husbands have gone out for Friday-night fun. And even after they get the check, it’s considered an “allowance” for home expenses. The decisions for large expenditures—buying a car, or a house, for example—are still largely controlled by men.

Mommy drivers

More needs to be done, and this is where child-rearing is so important. Kids are sharp observers; they watch adults for models. Seeing Nanay drive the car, or a motorcycle, does wonders for the daughters. But be careful, too, that the message isn’t “Nanay’s our family driver.” Mommy should make it a point to say that she’s driving to work. And it helps, it helps so much, if Tatay also drives to the supermarket, and picks up the kids from school.

The messages become more important in adolescence, when the kids, no longer kids, are trying to find a fit between their life ahead and their being boy, girl, or any of the other genders.

The other day I had to deliver a welcome speech to some 160 incoming varsity scholars, and I felt obliged to bring up the gender issue. I pointed out how important it is for women athletes to excel, and to break not so much performance records as traditions. Just being in sports is already a breakthrough… I still remember my own mother and aunts warning their daughters not to exercise too much because their leg muscles would be so developed as to become too “masculine”!

Gender is not just boys and girls. At the varsity orientation I could tell there were a few gay men, lesbians and transgenders, and I also mentioned how important it was for them to break traditions and stereotypes as well. I didn’t mention how, like many others, I grew up seeing gay men avoiding sports because it was too “masculine” and would lead to large biceps that would work against them in a beauty pageant.

Times do change and gay men now do the gyms as well (much to the horror of older gay men), and sports. As recently as about 20 years ago, people were stunned when well-known athletes like Billie Jean King (tennis) and Greg Louganis (diving) came out as gay. Today, athletes coming out have become quite common although it has been important that we’re now seeing gay athletes in the most macho of sports: Jason Collins in basketball, Gareth Thomas in rugby, and, most recently, Michael Sam in American football.

I told our varsity players that just as gay men should be emboldened to enter football, straight men should consider volleyball (often stereotyped as a gay sport) as an option.

I know people tire of gender “homilies,” especially when it involves male-bashing (apologies if I seemed to be doing that today). But my point is that there are continuing gaps and inequities, and if we care about our children—boy, girl, bading, tomboy, trans—having a competitive edge in life, we have to help them break the gender barriers.

Progress

I’m feeling like I’ve been making some progress. Last week I bought a MegaDo kit for children, which consists of plastic construction materials that you can configure into all kinds of structures like a house, a boat, a scaffold, etc.

I came home the other day to a very quiet house and found the three girls busy building a boat. I have to admit I was surprised… I still have some gender blinders and had thought my son would take the lead here, but no, it was the girls who did. They were building a boat, and the boy was inside doing the rowing.

Next day they built a little stall, declared it a store, and began to do buying and selling. At one point my son protested that his sisters weren’t allowing him to help buy and sell because, well, he was a boy.

Got that settled, too…

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