Pag-ibig 101

Let me just say that my dating life is not something I can brag about during drinking sessions. I have never been in a serious relationship, although I have had my fair share of “flirtationships’’ in the past.

In my early teens, I had the emotional maturity of a 5-year-old. I, along with countless other school girls, would swoon over the guy in the amateur band one day and go head over heels over the varsity stud the next day. But the bewitching power of the washboard abs and the electric guitar could only keep for so long. Needless to say, we moved on.

In a few years, teenage angst changed me. Violent PMS bouts and over-analyzing emo songs led me to believe that the perfect guy for me was an artist. I wiggled my way into the artists’ world of caffeine and nicotine. I penetrated their circles, indulging in poetry, abstract paintings, indie films and underground music. Coffee shops were suddenly the place to be for me.

For some bizarre reason, I talked like I was always on the verge of tears. But I never actually cried. Crying was for mainstream soap operas. I was not mainstream.

I began reading books on philosophy that I never really understood. I forced myself to use big words about isms in ordinary conversations. I wanted to believe I was hip, but the truth was that I was just a melodramatic wannabe intellectual.

Before long, I was involved in a pseudo-relationship with a fellow “hipster.” His ultra-deviant ways which bordered on the anti-social took its toll on me. One thing led to another, and we broke off whatever it was we had (or never had, to begin with), and I was back to my old pop culture self.

Somewhere along the way, I got so fed up with my unsuccessful attempts at relationships with men that I began to think that maybe I was queer. So I had yet another failed pseudo-relationship, this time with a woman. Fortunately, it did not end in tragedy like my previous pseudo-relationships. After all, we are just two girls who happened to be lonely at that time and sought comfort in each other. So we settled on friendship, and it turned out to be a great one.

You could say I have been in and out of the dating game for quite some time. Okay, so maybe most of it was cyber and I was only half-serious, but still. . .

My experience with commitments (or the lack thereof) has taught me a couple of things. One is that when you enter a relationship, only one of two things can happen: you either get married or you break up. So if you don’t see yourself having a family, raising kids, growing old or spending the rest of your life with your partner, something is wrong with the picture. It’s only a matter of time before the other option kicks in. As Antoine de Saint-Exupéry said, “Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.” It could not have been put any better.

Hear me out and try to avoid the seemingly inevitable. Do not get too attached to spur-of-the-moment flings. Fleeting love(?) is bound to end in heartbreak. Spare your pillow the tears.

Two, falling in love was never meant to be an identity crisis. Don’t change for the person you (think you) love. Being the right person is being yourself. He either gets the full package or no package at all. What’s the point of being in a relationship if, in the confusion, you end up losing the most important thing: your gorgeous self?

Three, do not settle for an “MU’’ type of relationship—an open relationship, as some people call it. It’s like making love and leaving the windows wide open for all the neighbors to see and (God forbid) join. MU could mean Mag-isang Umiibig. With no loyalty, what proof of your partner’s love do you have? If you care for each other, move heaven and earth to make it work. There is no wrong time and wrong place for the right person. Do not complicate things. MU simply is Malabong Usapan.

Four, do yourself and the world a huge favor, and stop plotting revenge on your ex. Maybe the glass shoe didn’t fit the first time, Ms Bitterella. Plan A-1 may not have turned out to be bump-free as you expected it. But there are 25 other letters, and infinite numbers—more than you could ever count, or as many as there are fish in the sea. One fish out there in the ocean of possibilities is bound to be your perfect catch. One break-up doesn’t mean the end of the world. You are still young (and even if you are old), you deserve to be happy.

Five, you are a woman and you live in the 21st century. You are not a damsel in distress. Knights in shining armor are so last millennium. Make the first move. No, that doesn’t make you pathetic and desperate. It makes you a strong, intelligent woman who can adapt to change and is not afraid of her own feelings. However, it does make people who think otherwise a bunch of dimwits.

Six and most importantly, learn to love yourself. It is true that you can’t give what you don’t have. How can you expect to love and to be loved if, for some twisted reason, you don’t give yourself any respect?

That’s about everything I have learned. There are other lessons I am sure. But don’t try to give them to me in advance; I’m not a fan of spoilers. And I am sorry if I sounded preachy. Tough love, I guess.

Take it from this single (not bitter, but just sane enough) girl: Relationships tend to be messy, so unless you are sure, don’t gamble. Love is an investment with no money-back guarantee. If all else fails, be guided by reason but follow your heart.

Ana Catalina Paje, 19, works part-time for an NGO and plans to continue her studies next year.