It takes hatred to be able to love and be loved. It takes agony to be truly happy. It takes tears to be able to smile. It takes a disastrous storm to be able to see a rainbow in the sky. It takes faith to be able to move forward, and courage to accept the unacceptable. And it takes death to be able to say that one has lived.
I shut my world for years from the people in my life. I learned to be happy with loneliness and to enjoy drowning myself in my own tears. For me, hell was heaven and monsters angels. I built walls to live a life apart from the rest of the world, away from the place where fear destroys the soul. I treasured darkness more than anything else. Black became the color of my life that later gave birth to blue and red. Blue became the melody of real happiness and red became the color of hope.
I shut my world for years. I embraced the reality that anguish was my only friend. It became the reason hatred and anger ruled my heart and mind, killing the only love that was left in me—just enough to go on and cheer myself up amid my misery. But zombies wrapped me too tightly. I was tired and barely breathing. But I learned to live in dying.
I shut my world for years. I was out of my wits, thinking that the best way to kill the monsters and zombies inside my head was to end my life. They were driving my soul crazy and I could not resist but let them make my life miserable. They made me some kind of a demon, and I had always wished to kill the demon in me. But I could not, for the only possible way was to stop my blood from running.
I have been living a life that no one exactly knows about — not even my family and friends. Sure, they know of the predicaments I had been through, but that was it. The truth is, deep within me—in the very depth of my heart — there lived agony of all forms.
But I am used to thinking that there is nothing to regret. Everything happens for some reason I might not understand today, but surely that reason will come my way one of these days and will make me realize that I had fought for something that made my tomorrow—a battle that will forever remind me the power of faith and courage.
In this perfect world of imperfect people, decorated with colorful lies, crowded with unending chaos, clouded with uncertainties, submerged with tears, and darkened with hatred, no one can ever escape the reality of grief. It did not promise us that things will flow according to our will, but it has promised us that it cannot storm forever. Life is the most perilous journey, but all wheels, as I always believe, will not always travel the same road.
With this tough road I have been conquering, I learned to embrace my traumatizing world, making myself believe that soon I’ll be fine, that one of these days I’ll be one of those happy people, that soon I won’t lie to myself, that soon I won’t pretend to forget what’s breaking me down. And I want to believe that soon is not far—and never too far.
I shut my world. Now I am breaking the walls I built to battle and survive. I admit I have forgotten that there are boundless opportunities outside my zone. It was a big mistake to choose to be dead for long painful years, but I am making ways now to live my long gone life. I am turning down the debris of the past, creating positive thoughts for better ways of surmounting hell days.
I shut my world. I know I was lost, and I can’t deny it’s hard to find any way to begin another bloody chapter. But hard does not mean I will not. I know that the real world is waiting for my most awaited return. When I am back, I will show the universe my sweetest revenge: I am not quitting. I will fight until the day I perish.
I shut my world. I have imprisoned myself in a dark world where monsters and zombies were my friends. I kept my life so isolated that no one could attempt to come close to me. It was a big loss to have closed the door of my life for years. But now I am regaining what I have missed. I have come to realize that I need the people, especially my family and friends, whom I used to avoid and reject. I was definitely wrong to believe that I could live a happy life alone.
I shut my world. I forgotten that I still have reason to live. I still have dreams to fulfill, and these dreams are making me feel certain now that I am heading to a place where I will no longer move mountains, build and break walls. It is true that a man’s dream is his hope, but hope for a better change is only possible when his dream becomes reality. Now I am living my dreams and whatever happens, I will keep my faith burning because I know that ahead of me lies victory.
I shut my world for long years. I realized I was wrong. There is more to life than killing your life—and your dreams. There are many reasons to be happy, after all. Once I was hopeless; now I am gaining courage to step out into the world and live with people with love and trust. Yes, I am painting a rainbow on the sky — once more.
Sometimes it is too late when we realize that we have done things that made the situation worse. Sometimes we believe it is better to let the terror of problems ruin our journey in this world—the arena for the living and the dead. At first, the thought would make you believe it is true, but it is a truth that lies. The best thing to do is to wake yourself up and rise. We need to empower our minds and hearts so we can create a little space for love, because it is the only thing that keeps someone moving, believing and dreaming. If there is one thing that would break the chain of hopelessness, it is the love in your heart. As the saying goes, where there is love, there is life.
We need to bear in mind that “too late” does not mean “the end.” Yes, the only fuel that will make our journey go on is our faith. If the travel gets tougher and tougher, gas up your car with more faith, speed it up with determination, and take a higher dose of courage to fire up your spirit.
I am not quitting!
Yes, it takes hatred to be able to love; agony to be able to be happy; tears to be able to smile; a disastrous storm to be able to paint a rainbow on the sky; faith to be able to move forward; courage to be able to accept the unacceptable; and to die to be able to live once more.
I am not quitting! My broken wings are healing. In a few moments, I will again be ready to soar. And whatever it takes, I will fly anyway. I believe that even in the worst of times, the sun will never forget to shine.
* * *
Ryan Jay O. Agron, 19, is a student of Isabela State University (Cauayan campus).
Subscribe to INQUIRER PLUS to get access to The Philippine Daily Inquirer & other 70+ titles, share up to 5 gadgets, listen to the news, download as early as 4am & share articles on social media. Call 896 6000.